Well after 39 years I think I am realizing that I am not in control. Could it really be?? I do not have control over my life, my circumstances, my future??? Now I have to give myself a little credit. I know in my head that I truly am not in control BUT my everyday life doesn't always show it. Whether good times or bad I tend to think...if I just take control of this situation it will work out. Could be an event, work, a relationship, diet, exercise (or lack there of...still in my control), finances - at some level I am "in control".
BUT dealing with infertility? Well that has made me feel so out of control. Yes I can go to the doctor, take tests, pee on sticks, take medicine oh and have sex...can't forget that. LOL. All of this can be done and in my control but getting pregnant, not so much! I can't help but wonder about the lesson here. What is God showing me...what are His purposes in this situation. Even as we go through the adoption process...I am not in control! I had posted earlier that I finally found someone to help us with a home study. Two weeks later I finally get the home study packet in the mail...remember that the study takes 6-8 weeks to complete and I lost 2 weeks waiting for something completely out of my control.
Hmmm. I am not in control. Why do I want to be in control? Do I feel I can do things better than others, than God? Does it take something like infertility to shake me and say HEY LEIGH ANNE you are not in control of life...I AM. You may be able to make choices like whether to exercise or not or you may manipulate a relationship but you are by no means in control. I AM.
To a control freak like myself...it is hard to let go. To trust and say ok God you are right. You are in control and not just with infertility but with everything. And to trust like this is to trust that your future is safe with God. That tomorrow God is still in control and that His ways are best!
So I thought I would share a few verses with you that have been in my head a lot lately. I have known these verses for a LONG time but need to be reminded of them. Of the promises...that God is in control. He has a plan. His ways are perfect. He is perfecting me!
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 138:8 KJV
The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.